We Interrupt This Race For Some Negativity

There’s no way I’d ever run for public office.  Ok, maybe I would just out of spite, but I’d never do it with any illusions about my electibility.  I seems political success is somehow tied to likability, which disqualifies me.  But just in case I do run, here’s a little head start for my opponents in case the campaign goes negative.

And if I get my way, it will go negative.  

I’ve taken a page out of Stephen Littau’s book and written a negative campaign against myself based on past blog posts.

Sadcox…he seems like a nice enough guy, but have you looked at where he stands on the issues?

Sadcox has as considered raising his own children based on recommendations of an aged and addled Rock Star.  Sadcox is in favor of deregulation of PIMPS and has counseled and encouraged unwed single mothers to break up marriages.  His gambling problem runs so deep that he’s wagered furniture on the results of a basketball game.

And what about education?  Sadcox has called some school administrators “turds”, and has referred to children who participate in fund raisers as “beggars”.  He’s in favor of eliminating all federal funding for education, and has the audacity to mention Shakespeare and Tupac Shakur together.

Not only that…(dramatic pause)

Sadcox calls Social Security a ponzi scheme.

In these uncertain times, can you really afford a leader who is willing to trust you with your own money?  Do you feel comfortable risking your safety by voting for someone who has enough beezwax of his own to worry about yours?

Vote for someone who is willing to take responsibilty so that you don’t have to.  Vote for the other guy.

This was a very theraputic experience, and I recommend all of you give it a shot as well.

8 Shows That Would Be Better Than Rock of Love

I’ll never be able to forgive myself for watching both seasons of Rock of Love in their entirety. The only thing I can do that would possibly atone for my actions is recommend a few shows to VH1 that may allow me to gain some of my self respect back. In no particular order, here are eight shows that would be more interesting and more entertaining than Rock of Love.

Nikki SixxThe Purity is Right With Nikki Sixx

Contestants shoot heroin with the Motley Crue bassist and try to guess it’s purity. The contestant closest to the actual purity level without going over gets to spin the big wheel, which contains various rehab packages. The grand prize includes detox and a spot on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. All contestants receive a complimentary double dose at the methadone clinic good for one visit only.

 

 

David Lee RothSurvivor DLR

Contestants are stranded on a deserted island with David Lee Roth. Instead of being voted off of the island, contestants remove themselves voluntarily. The contestant who can stand DLR the longest is the winner. The game gets harder as more contestants leave and survivors are forced to spend more and more time with Diamond Dave.

 

 

 

Kid RockThe Ultimate Fighter with Kid Rock

The concept is pretty simple–we follow Kid Rock as he tours the country’s Waffle House’s and nightly challenges drunks in pugilistic competition. A game show? Not really, although I guess you could consider anyone who doesn’t get Kid Rock’s bodily fluids on them a winner.

 

 

 

Ozzy OsbourneWhat’s My Line with Ozzy Osbourne

Unlike the original “What’s My Line”, contestants on this show simply listen to Ozzy and translate. Contestants accrue points based on the number of words in each sentence they are able to correctly identify. The winner gets to avoid ever having to know anything about Ozzy’s annoying offspring for the rest of their lives.

 

 

 

Lars UlrichName Buy That Tune with Lars Ulrich

Lars hosts this new version of the old classic, but with a catch. When a contestant successfully names a tune they are immediately swarmed by lawyers and retired concert security guys with RIAA t-shirts (sleeves rolled up of course). If the contestant is not able to produce proof that they actually purchased the song they’ve just heard, they must choose between being sued by Metallica’s attorneys or having the security guys bludgeon them with those big flashlights (after which you will be sued anyway).

 

 

 

Axl RoseThe Roadie with Axl Rose

This one is sort of like The Apprentice. Each night, Axl Rose will either cancel an appearance, no-show the event, or storm off stage pissed off. Axl will then decide which contestant was responsible for the mishap and fire one. The winner of The Roadie earns the right to be blamed at the next concert for Axl’s behavior, and subsequently fired.

 

 

 

 

Def LepppardCelebrity Arm Wrestling with The Drummer From Def Leppard

No commentary necessary. On second thought, why did I even post this?

 

 

The Biggest Loser

This one is special because it actually pits celebrities people who used to be in bands against one another to see who truly is the biggest loser, literally. It should probably feature the members of bands like Faster Pussycat, Enuff Znuff, Britny Fox, and Vixen

5 Reasons Bret Michaels is the Lamest “Rock Star” Ever

I remember when Poison was really popular and I thought they were stupid. Mostly it was because I was a music snob back then, but a lot of it had to do with the fact that they just sucked.

Now we have Rock Of Love, and honestly, I can think of 5 people I know right now who are happily married with kids and regular ol’ jobs who act more like rock stars than Bret Michaels. I had Easter dinner with one of them (and our wives and kids) today, after he got out of church of course. I think we drank enough beer between the two of us–it had to have been 2/3 of a six pack–to put Bret Michaels under the table.

I wouldn’t let this guy be a roadie for a boy band–that’s how NOT Rock Star he is. I submit these five facts for your consideration.

1. He has no game. None.

You would think that after having girls throw themselves at him for a few years in the 80s, he would at least have a little bit of game. This guy couldn’t close the deal with a drunk hooker if he had crapped crack and pissed liquid gold. Want to see a rock star with game? Give me (of course) David Lee Roth.

2. No famous chicks want to date him

Bret Michaels is was actually attractive and famous. And he has to go on TV to get a date? Yeah he dated Pam Anderson (briefly) a long time ago. But my guess is she quickly figured out how lame he is (see reason #1). Even the girl he picked in the first season of Rock of Love didn’t want to date him, presumably because she was already too famous for him. Let me have Rick Ocasek, Billie Joel, Adam Clayton, Kid Rock or instead of this Z-list supporter.

3. He took the girls’ exes to Dave and Busters.

Not a trip into and out of Vegas for a weekend on a private jet. Not a run to Tijuana to get tats and piercings. Not even a strip club. Dave and Freaking Busters. Give me a break. Nothing says ROCK STAR like sipping on a Zima and playing a few rounds of skee-ball and wak-a-mole, huh? Instead, I’d like to see Lemmy from Motorhead. Yeah, he’s not going to go anywhere uber-cool either, but he’ll show up with a cooler full of beer and keep you up all night telling funny stories and burning you with cigarettes when he catches you nodding off. That’s cool.

4. He’s never fought a member of Motley Crue

As far as I know, he hasn’t fought anybody. Not that I’m surprised by that–I’m sure he’d get his ass kicked. But he’s never even shown that he has a temper. I’ve never heard stories of dressing rooms being trashed. I’ve never heard of him being thrown out of a club for breaking a beer bottle across someone’s face. Nothing. I’d so much rather watch this show with Tommy Lee, who I bet has fought EVERY member of Motley Crue at one time or another.

5. He’s never been to rehab

That’s actually admirable for people like me and you. But this is America. We like our rock stars either troubled, violent, or toxic–preferably all three. He’s never even been drunk on his own “party like a rock star” TV show. I have a feeling that “Bret’s Brew” is actually 30% lemonade, 30% fruit punch, 30% Sprite and 10% soda water. Give me Bret’s old guitar player, C.C. DeVille in his place. At least there’s a chance he’ll go on a coke binge and freak out right in front of our eyes.

How Would DLR Raise My Kids?

As I’ve said before, I often pause when I’m at a crossroads in my life to ask myself WWDLRD–What Would David Lee Roth Do?

I guess it’s reasonable to suspect that my perspective would change once I decided to unleash version 2.0 of this gene package onto the world. Then again, when have I been reasonable?

I remember reading an interview with DLR a long time ago where he described what his parents called “monkey hour” when he was a kid. He, being DLR, would act like a total lunatic for an hour.  According to him, he took Monkey Hour and turned it into a career.

I like the idea of Monkey Hour, and I think I want to have that at our house. One hour of anything goes madness (confined to one room). No rules–throw whatever you want at whatever you want, turn over the furniture and jump off it, leg drop of doom your younger siblings–whatever. Get all that energy out before bed (or a trip to the emergency room).

But at the end of the hour we have to clean up everything. Making them clean up will ensure that they don’t end up like DLR. Then again, they may just end up like one of his roadies instead, huh?

Patrick Henry Would Have Loved David Lee Roth

Patrick Henry said, “Give me liberty or give me death.” But that was before DLR and Sammy Hagar left Van Halen. I asked my readers to choose to replace the word death with a Democrat, a Republican, Michael Bloomberg, or VH with Gary Cherone. Cherone was chosen by 38% of respondents.

That means that Cherone is not just capable of killing the ultimate party band. He’s also the equivalent to real death in many people’s minds.

David Lee Roth Touring With Van Halen Again

It was announced yesterday that the tour will start this fall.

The lastest twist is that founding bassist Michael Anthony has been given the boot, and Van Halen’s teenage son, Wolfgang, has replaced him.

Hmmm. I doubt that statement is entirely true. My guess is that because Eddie Van Halen is such a jerk, Sammy Hagar wouldn’t tour with them again. Sammy and Michael Anthony are still good friends, and Mike probably sees that Ed is a jerk now too and doesn’t want to deal with him.

That leaves Ed and Alex in a bind. They hate David Lee Roth, but they can’t make any money with any singers other than DLR or Sammy. Since Sammy won’t have anything to do with them, they have to put up with DLR, and since Mike won’t have anything to do with them, they have to have Wolfgang play bass.

Dave? He doesn’t care. It’s a chance for him to get on stage and say, “Look at all the people here tonight!” a few more times. He’s probably chomping at the bit to get out on the road and annoy Ed nightly, and I don’t blame him. If I were him, I’d do the same thing just out of spite.

Of all the guys who’ve been in this band, Sammy and Mike are the only ones I’d ever want to hang out with. Dave would be fun to hang out with for a weekend bender, but he’d get on your nerves so bad after a couple of days that you’d have to get away…kind of like being in Vegas for more than a few days. He has, however, done a great job building that reputation and marketing himself.

I’d be surprised if this tour lasts more than a few dates. Look for it to be cancelled because of Eddie’s health.

Presidential Debate at Reagan Library Part III

A few more categories.  Yeah, these are a little stupid, but I think if you think of things on these terms you can make some pretty educated decisions.  For instance, when the whole “WWJD” thing was so big, I came up with my own set of guidelines for life called “What Would David Lee Roth Do?”.  Any time I was faced with a decision, I’d just ask myself, WWDLRD?   If it were a weekend, I’d make the same decision Dave would make.  On weeknights I did the opposite.

Candidate I’d most like to go out drinking with

This one is tough.  Romney is the obvious choice because he looks like Ted Danson.  I’m sure he can pull.  Duncan Hunter looks like someone who might be able to help you get into some real trouble.  McCain would be fun because he’d have the best stories, and Tommy Thompson would probably have you ROTFL at some of the stuff that would come out of his mouth.  The problem is, do I really want one of my drinking buddies as president?

Worst to drink with

Paul and Brownback would be buzz kills.  If I were out with Tancredo I’d make a dash for the door as soon as he went to the bathroom.  He seems like the kind of guy who would mouth off and (inadvertently) wind up in a fight.

Candidate who could help SNL by being someone good to make fun of

Tommy Thompson is the obvious choice.

Candidate who’d be better off hosting the nightly news

Jim Gilmore.  He would just report the news–it would never be about him.